


The Modern Testament

by naughtyscaughty



Category: Homoerotic Friend Fiction
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-16
Updated: 2014-02-18
Packaged: 2017-12-08 16:46:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/763680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naughtyscaughty/pseuds/naughtyscaughty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Please enjoy. Well, I say enjoy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dancing In the Nude, with the Devil

     Nobody else was home. Dillon, Scott and Camrin were sitting awkwardly in the living room. No one said a word; they all just gave each other quick glances, not wanting to maintain eye contact for too long, because they knew what would happen. They could feel it in the air. Though the A/C was set to a cool 62 degrees, the body heat emitting from their young, yet flabby bodies brought the temperature up to a balmy 69 degrees. 

     Camrin was to the left of Scott, who was to the left of Dillon, who was especially in the mood. Dillon stood up in front of them and spoke for the first time since he arrived at the house. His voice sounded as if two beautiful sounds were making love as he said, “Can I go get a drink? I’m really thirsty.” This sent synchronized tremors down Camrin and Scott’s back, as they both longingly nodded. As Dillon left for the kitchen, both Scott and Camrin’s eyes followed as they marveled in the majesty that is Dillon’s butt. 

     Their heads slowly turned from the kitchen doorway to each other. There was a loud crash in the kitchen, followed by, “Sorry, Camrin. You need to buy more olives.” Camrin didn’t need to though, he hated olives, but he couldn’t in good conscious throw away a full jar of them. Dillon did Camrin a favor, and though Dillon didn’t know it yet, he was about to be thanked in ways he never imagined. Camrin, staring at Scott, tried to shake the feeling that was coming over him. As they tried to settle down, the damage was already done. Camrin looked at Scott through his eyes right into his soul. 

     It was on and they both knew it.

     This stare lasted far too long. In a scenario in which it wasn’t on, this stare would have made anyone uncomfortable, but it was in fact on, so this stare was just right. Camrin began undressing Scott with his eyes, which both terrified and excited Scott. He had no idea Camrin was telepathic. 

     “AH! I stepped on glass!” Dillon apparently screamed from the kitchen, but neither Scott nor Camrin heard this and to this day debate that Dillon never said it. “Can I get some help? I know I made this mess, but I’m injured and there are at least 100 olives all over this floor.”

     In all of his glory, if that’s what you want to call it, Scott stood naked in the middle of the living room, blinds open for the world to see. His naked body looked as if it was shaped from a block of marble, if the sculptor had made a terrible mistake and the marble continued to crumble after it was tossed out. It was far from the artist’s best work, quite possibly one of his worst. Nevertheless, Camrin examined the nakedness that was Scott’s body and then he uttered probably the most honest thing ever spoken between the two of them, “eh.”

     Slowly, Scott began to cover himself in shame. Then Dillon walked in holding a jar of jalapenos with his head low, focusing on the cut on his foot, “Camrin, can I open this jar?” He looked up to see Scott standing in the middle of the living room fully naked, causing Dillon to drop the jar, breaking it, jalapenos spread all over the floor. “Sorry Camrin,” Dillon struggled to say, his mind preoccupied by the wonder of Scott’s misshapen body, “You need to buy more peppers.” 

     Without saying anything else, Dillon hurried to take his clothes off. It was not a graceful sight. In his rush, he tripped over his pants close to 4 times; he saved himself the last time. He flung his glasses across the room as he ripped his shirt off, which resulted in an awkward half naked search. But finally, Dillon too was in the nude.

     Scott and Dillon stood there waiting for Camrin to join in the fun and strip down. Reluctantly, Camrin stood up and began disrobing. “We’re about to get into the devil’s business,” Dillon whispered loudly.

     Suddenly, the ground started shaking violently, causing Scott’s body to jiggle. This made him very uncomfortable. The temperature rose rapidly to blistering heats as the floor split open to the sound of a gnarly 80’s guitar solo wailing from the depths below. Flames shot up from the darkness, which made all three of them shriek very embarrassingly. And almost as if he was on a lift, the Devil himself appeared from the tear in the living room floor. “Did somebody say my name?!” the Devil screamed in delight. Then, with genuine curiosity, Dillon asked, “Where is the guitar coming from?”

     “Can you stop the fire? It’s causing scorch marks everywhere,” Camrin said in a very sassy tone.

     “Can we put our cloths back on?” Scott said covering himself.

     The Devil went wide eyed as he noticed all three boys were naked. Suddenly sunglasses appeared on his face and he peered over them and gave Scott, Dillon and Camrin a very uncomfortable look. “I have a better idea,” said the Devil with a smirk on his face, “Take a good look at your clothes, because you’re never going to see them again.” 

     “What are you talking about?” Scott was not keen on not wearing anymore clothes.

     “I’m talking about you all being my slaves for the rest of eternity!” The Devil laughed manically, though they were all surprised, it sounded more womanly than they imagined the Devil would laugh.

     “Um no,” Camrin said, trying to show the Devil who’s boss, “You actually have to leave, because our friends are coming back and we have to clean up this mess you made.” Camrin looks around at the scorch marks on the wall, “I’m sure those marks will take forever to get off, and I don’t even know what I’m going to do about this big hole in the floor.”

     “We can just put a rug over it and worry about it later,” Dillon said, shaking his head with confidence.

     “ENOUGH!” The Devil shouted, shaking the house. They all quiet down out of fear. “Here’s what we’re going to do!” Pacing back and forth, the Devil looked at them. “I will give you a chance to win your freedom. If you can beat me in a dance off, I will go back from whence I came.”

     “Do you really have to talk like that?” Dillon was not impressed by the Devil’s demeanor. 

     The Devil points to Scott and says with much intensity, “Dance… for your life.”

     This was a mistake. Scott cannot dance, and the awkward movements he was engaged in proved that. Camrin and Dillon looked at Scott, who was visibly uncomfortable as Camrin whispered to Dillon, “We’re screwed.” 

“I can hear you!” Scott yelled as he began crying due to the embarrassment of both him being naked and his inability to dance, possibly costing him and his friends their lives.

     By this point, the Devil was literally rolling around on the floor laughing, struggling to say “stop dancing” because he was so out of breath. Scott heard though, so he stopped instantly and sat in the corner of the room. Wiping away the tears from laughing so hard, the Devil points to Dillon, “you, dance.”

     “Yeah, no,” Dillon said without much conviction.

     “Fair enough,” the Devil respectfully replied. He then pointed to Camrin, and without giving instruction, Camrin started dancing like no one had ever seen before. Seriously, no one had ever seen another person dance like this. Without music or the Wii remote, Camrin was dancing the only way he knew how, little body movement, high octane arms and legs flailing in the style of “Just Dance.”

     The Devil yawns. He looks at his watch. “I win.”

     Camrin slowly stops dancing. “What?” He said very dejectedly. 

     “I said I win. You first guy literally couldn’t dance to save his life, your second guy didn’t even dance, and you, well that was hands down the most impressive thing I’ve ever seen. That being said, I win.”

     Dillon looked at Scott in the corner crying. Camrin riding high off of the Devil saying his dancing was impressive and says, “But you didn’t even dance.” The Devil looked slightly nervous now. Getting shifty eyed, because he thought nobody would catch that. “Well I don’t need to dance, I’m the Devil.”

     “Yeah,” Dillon said with a certain annoyance in his voice, “but the agreement was if you beat us in a dance off, and you haven’t danced yet.”

     “You want me to dance?!” The Devil was obviously angry.

     “Yeah,” Dillon is showing no emotion. Both Camrin and Scott are taken aback by Dillon’s bravery. Scott stood up and began to clap, nodding his head in approval. Camrin glared at him, “Stop.” Scott stopped and slowly sat back down, once again overwhelmed by self-consciousness. 

     “I’ll dance, then,” the Devil began to dance and they were all blown away. The Devil danced in ways never before seen by any human. This was a style of dance reserved for the Gods. Dance moves so radical and so revolutionary, there aren't any known words to describe the wondrous sight. As they watch the Devil bustin’ moves and feelin’ grooves, they all start hugging their clothes good bye. One by one, as the Devil continued to dance, they threw their clothes into the bottomless fiery pit.

     CRASH! The Devil was on the ground, trying desperately to get back up. He couldn't seem to stand up though; he kept slipping on the jalapenos that Dillon dropped earlier. They all watched in amazement, not knowing what to say. They were all mysteriously aroused. This embarrassed them all as they covered themselves with throw pillows from the couch.

     The Devil finally stood up. Jalapenos falling off of his body, the Devil walked to the pit. “Alright, well it was good seeing you all. Please don’t tell anyone about this.” The Devil descended into the pit, the fire blazing up once again. The guitar solo started blasting, “Stop that!” the Devil yelled. “I’m not in the mood.”

     Dillon, Camrin and Scott looked at each other, “Well I’m in the mood,” Dillon said removing the pillow.

     “Can you all wait until I’m back in Hell?” The Devil asked surprisingly nicely from the pit that’s fire is slowly fading.

     “What are we going to do about this hole?” Camrin said to Dillon, who just stared at him for a second. Then Dillon replied, “oh, the floor! Yeah I don’t know.”

     Scott put a rug over the hole, “Yeah this looks convincing.” Then the front door began to open. Camrin, Dillon and Scott were all worried because they were all still naked. Andrew, Veronica and Katherine walk in the house and they all looked shocked.

     “Camrin!” Andrew yelled, “Where did this rug come from? It's beautiful.”


	2. The Holy Land Experience

     The three naked, so-called men, stood beside the rug as their friends, Andrew, Veronica and Katherine stood in the foyer taking off their shoes. Andrew then stood with his hands on his hips, glaring at the three of them holding throw pillows in front of their naughty bits. “Seriously Camrin,” never before had Andrew sounded more stern, “where did this rug come from?”

     Making sure not to act like anything weird was going on, Camrin casually and confidently replied, “What rug?”

     In frustration, Andrew shook his head and walked out of the room, as Katherine and Veronica made their way into the living room.

     “Don’t step on the rug!” Scott held his arms out in front of him, warning the two ladies not to take another step forward. They stopped in their tracks and began laughing softly. “What’s so funny?” Scott was genuinely confused, which made them laugh harder, eventually becoming a fit of laughter that lasted a solid 14 minutes. Unfortunately for Scott, he realized why they were laughing after he asked the question. He was naked. Covering himself back up immediately, he had to endure 13 minutes and 45 seconds of laughing.

     An absolute mess, realizing that his social life had literally crumbed into pieces within these last several moments, Scott turned to Dillon, who held back a chuckle, then looked at Camrin and suggested, “We should go buy some lumber.” Both men agreed, and they all, still naked, covered with throw pillows, walked out of the house.

     Right as they exited, Veronica and Katherine sat on the couch and had another good laugh about the situation. As the laughing died down, Veronica asked, “You wanna hear a song I wrote?” Katherine nodded, and Veronica reached behind the couch and grabbed a guitar out of nowhere.

     Using the only thing they could find in the car, Dillon, Scott and Camrin used angelic white bed sheets that were unexpectedly already in the trunk to wrap themselves, fashioning extravagant robes to cover their unsightly bodies.  Getting ready to leave, they were all sitting in the car, when after many turns of the key, the car would not start. Then Dillon, who was sitting in the front passenger seat, turns to both Camrin and Scott, “Looks like we walk from here.”

     A heavy wind blew an unusually dry heat over the three travellers; the rippling of their robes was a sight to be seen. And it was seen by many passing vehicles, one of which was a semi-truck that zoomed by at a speed that exceeded the speed limit by a good amount, causing Camrin to fall down into a mud puddle due to the draft it created when it passed. Though, as if it were by some divine miracle, when Camrin stood up, there were no stains to be had, which is honestly all Camrin was worried about.

As they journeyed to their destination, the blazing heat from the sun beat down on them relentlessly. Unable to continue walking any further, they all fell to the ground. In the sky, they witnessed the sun going super nova, as light and unbearable heat took over. Blocking out as much of the intense light as he could, Dillon held his arm in front of his eyes and very calmly exclaimed, “Jesus Christ.” Everything was consumed by the star’s indescribable power. Their journey lasted 40 minutes and 40 seconds.

     All became clear, and they realized they were standing in a home improvement store. Confusion overwhelmed them, when they heard a very comforting voice, “Did you say my name?” To their left, behind a cash register, stood Jesus Christ in his stylish Holy Tunic. “I’ve been expecting you three.” Stepping out from behind the register, he hoists a large wooden cross over his shoulder, “walk with me.”

     Jesus Christ walked in the front, leading the way. Dillon, Camrin and Scott looked at each other, not knowing what to do. “Are we dead?” Scott worked up the courage to say (this was also the last time Scott would work up any courage at all).

     Jesus laughed a hearty laugh. It almost sounded as if he was mocking them. “Maybe you were dead before, and now you’re alive.”

     Dillon continued walking and said to himself, “Yeah, that wasn’t helpful.”

     Finally, Jesus stopped walking. They were standing amidst all of the lumber. “Hey Joel!” Jesus yelled, “Where in the Heaven are you?”

     One aisle over, a loud scurrying was heard. At the end of the aisle, a pimple faced teenager named Joel, appeared and walked towards Jesus. “Y-yes, Jesus.”

     With a big smile on his face, Jesus turned around to look at the three men, almost hitting Camrin with the long end of the cross. “Are you ready?” There’s no real response, everyone just shrugged and made indecisive grunts. Somehow Jesus’ smile got bigger as he turned to Joel, the long end of the cross hitting Camrin, knocking him to the floor. “We need some lumber, Joel.” Dillon and Scott help Camrin up, and Joel scurried away. Turning his head back, Jesus raised his eyebrows, “I’m excited.”

     From another part of the store, Joel yells, “It’s ready!”

     Again following Jesus, who has been frustratingly vague about everything since they arrived, come to a stop. What stood before Dillon, Scott and Camrin had them more confused than ever. “What are we going to do with those?” Camrin said in the sassiest tone ever used in front of Jesus, who just continues to smile.

     “You’re going to carry them,” Jesus said with much conviction. What stood before them were three crosses identical to the one that Jesus had been carrying. “I’m going to take you all to the Promise Land.”

     Blank expressions across the board. Dillon, Camrin and Scott just looked at each other, when Dillon says, “Yeah, we need to have a side bar.”

     “Take you time,” Jesus said joyously.

     The three of them walked away slightly from the whole Jesus situation and found refuge around the PVC. “So, what do we do?” This was the first time Dillon had ever expressed any kind of lapse in leadership, minus that one time when he showed up at an orgy after seeing a flyer for “Sword and Sheath (18+),” mistaking it for an advanced level swordplay class. He was so out of his element, though since then, he has become the promoter for said event.

     With no one responding to Dillon’s question, he was fed up with the indecisiveness and walked back to Jesus. Camrin followed, and Scott trailed behind.

     “Back so soon,” Jesus said with that same stupid smile on his face.

     “Yeah,” Dillon said, obviously annoyed, “that was a waste of time.”

     “Well come along, grab your crosses and let’s be on our way.” Jesus motions to the crosses that Joel set up very nicely in a row.

     Breaking his silence, Camrin asked, “Why do we need to carry crosses?”

     Jesus’ smile faded away as the room began to dim, “To get to the Promise Land, you must first pay your toll.”

     “What does that mean?” The sass came back to Camrin’s voice, fed up with Jesus answering every question indirectly.

     “You must become one with the cross.” The light came back to the room, as did the liveliness in Jesus’ face.

     “Are you saying we have to be crucified?” Scott was not keen on hanging on a cross until he dies by the elements and blood loss.

     “Yes,” a whimsical fluttering in Jesus’ voice made Dillon and Camrin liven up, “that is what I’m saying.”

     Without hesitation, Dillon and Camrin said, in unison, “I’m in.”

     “And you?” Jesus locked eyes with Scott, as Jesus almost began grimacing.

     “I don’t want to do that.” Scott was scared, but he was not giving in, because the thought of being hung from a cross was far too terrifying.

     Once again, the room began to dim, as Jesus’ expression turned sour. He stared Scott down for several seconds, went to a nearby table and flipped it over. This literally happened in slow motion. Tools, and nuts and bolts, fly off the table, as Jesus stands foaming at the mouth with his hands in the air, continuing the motion that was flipping the table. After all of the noises settles, Jesus is standing behind the flipped table breathing very heavily. “S-sir?” Joel quietly asked, cowering behind one of the crosses.

     “Not a good time, Joel!” Jesus said sharply. Trying to calm down, Jesus pushed his hair back and immediately, a smile crossed his face. “So where were we?” Looking at all of the men in beautiful white robes, they all were mortified. “Good bye, Scott.” With a snap of his fingers, a lightning bolt tore through the roof of the building, hitting Scott, causing him to disappear in a puff of smoke.

     Of course this shocked Dillon and Camrin, who began looking around for Scott. “Where did he go?” Camrin asked in fear.

     Noticing that Joel had pee’d his pants, Dillon pointed and laughed. Then realizing that he too had pee’d himself, Joel began laughing harder. This was just an uncomfortable situation.

     Snapping his finger once again, everyone ducked, though the snap replaced Dillon’s robe, but not Joel’s pant. “I just smote, Scott. No big deal.” Jesus put his hands on his hips, “Come on guys, you need a carpenter to fix that pesky hole in your living room floor.” With both hands, he points to himself, “I’m the most famous carpenter to ever live. So come on, let’s get crucified!”

     Acting like Jesus had successfully rallied the troops, so to speak, Camrin and Dillon both gave very fake, but very enthusiastic “okay’s.” They realize now that they do not want to get on Jesus’ bad side.

     Travelling along the lonely shoulder of the interstate, Jesus, Dillon and Camrin all carried their crosses over their shoulder. “It’s just up ahead,” Jesus shouts over the loud noise of the high speed vehicles.  Joel followed a great distance behind them carrying tools. Jesus didn't want to be seen with him, because Joel is not a cool cat, and Jesus has a rep to protect.

     “Are we making the right decision?” Camrin asked Dillon, who responded with, “The man fueled the belief for an entire religion for 2000 years and counting, so he must know how to work the system a little bit.”

     “That doesn't answer my question,” Camrin replied, hoisting the cross back on his shoulder, it had been slipping.

     “I know,” Dillon said, “I’m just pointing it out. We need to be careful around this guy. Don’t let him get in our heads.”

     “So is this crucifixion thing a bad idea?”

     “No, it seems pretty solid,” Dillon nods his head assuring Camrin.

     Stopping at an opening in the trees, Jesus turned to Dillon and Camrin, motioned to the field beside them and said, “We are here.”

     With a couple more hits of his hammer, Jesus successfully planted all of their crosses into the ground. “Alright, are you ready?” Dillon nods as Jesus begins nailing his hands to the cross. As he was pounding thick nails into Dillon’s hands, he tried to make small talk, “So, do you go to school?”

     “Yeah,” Dillon remained calm, not looking at his bloody hands, because there is a chance he might faint. “I’m studying sound design.”

     Now nailing Dillon’s feet, Jesus responded, “Cool, cool. Yeah I taught wood shop at a community college a couple years ago. I was fired. Every time someone made a table that was uneven, or if it wasn’t stained and polished right, I’d lose my temper and flip that Dad damned table.” Not knowing how to respond, Dillon nodded, as Jesus continued, “It was fun though; met a lot of nice people. Had great benefits.” He finishes and hands the hammer back to Joel, who had just hung Camrin up.

     “You now, sir?” Joel asked Jesus. Standing in place, Joel began nailing Jesus to the cross.

     The three of them hung in the cool summer breeze. “So after this, you will fix the hole in our floor?” Camrin wasn’t too thrilled about being crucified, but he went along with it.

     “In due time,” Jesus sounded cheery, “but first, you two have something very important to do. That’s why you have to endure this test. What you two will be doing will alter the universe as we know it, for good or for bad, depending on how badly you guys screw up.”

     “What in the hell are you all doing?” A think country accent spewed out of this fat cop’s mouth, as he stood looking at the three of them through his incredibly tiny sunglasses.

     “More like, what in the heaven are we doing,” Jesus flashed his trademark smile. “We’re doing the work of God, so if you will please excuse us.”

     “Jesus Christ,” the cop slowly takes his tiny sunglasses off, “you’re Jesus Christ.”

     “Guilty as charged,” Jesus heartily chuckles, still showcasing his pearly whites.

     “I’m sorry, Jesus, but do you have a permit?” The cop folded his glasses and hung them in the breast pocket of his uniform. “Because if you don’t, you’re going to have to take those crosses down and come with me to the station for some mild interrogation.”

     “Well,” the genuine asthenic to Jesus’ smile faded, as he tried to maintain the illusion of being cheery, “I don’t, but come on. I’m Jesus, we’re just looking to hang out a little.”

     “I can’t let this continue without a permit, I’m sorry.” The cop puts his hand on his heart, “but I am a believer, sir, so you can go free.”

     The smile became true again as Jesus thanked the cop, “I appreciate your faith, sir. Just help us down and we’ll all be on our way.”  

     The cop started cleaning his tiny sunglasses, “You can go, but they have to come with me.”

     Jesus nods, “Fair enough.” Camrin and Dillon look at each other in shock.

     The jail cell was grey and smelled of iron. Not because of the iron bars, but because the cops had yet to call a paramedic and their hands and feet were still bleeding profusely. “What are we going to do?” Camrin asked weakly, his white face showing no emotion.

     Dillon, who had lost less blood than Camrin due to the skill and precision of Jesus’ hammering ability, compared to the sloppy work Joel did to Camrin, doesn’t reply. Then a cop came to the cell door, “You get one phone call.” Dillon pats Camrin on the back, which is more painful than it is friendly, and leaves the cell to use a phone.

     “Hello?” Jesus answers his phone.

     “It’s me, Dillon. You need to come here and bail us out. Camrin is literally about to die.”

    There’s silence on the other end for a couple seconds, “How did you get this number?”

    “That’s not important, just come and get us.” Dillon was, rightfully so, getting agitated with Jesus.

     “It is too important. I don’t want you handing my number out to just anyone. My number isn’t public knowledge for a reason; I don’t want solicitors to call me, because once they start, they will never stop.” Jesus was worked up, which resulted in uncomfortably creepy heavy breathing.

     “Just come and bail us out,” Dillon pleaded with Jesus.

     “I can’t right now,” Jesus cut off Dillon, who was about to talk, “I’m having a cash flow problem at the moment, so I can’t come and bail you out.”

     “Are you…” before Dillon could finish, Jesus had hung up on him. Being guided back to his cell, he looks at Camrin who is now lying on the floor, an inch away from Death, who was sitting on a bench.

     Back at the house, Katherine and Veronica were still sitting on the couch, playing music. Then Andrew came in the room, “Whew, that was the longest trip to the bathroom I have ever taken.” Very annoyed by his interruption, Veronica glared at Andrew. “Don’t worry,” Andrew assured, “I won’t bother you for too long.” Andrew took one more step, which was on the rug, and fell through the floor.

     Screaming like a lady, Andrew fell hundreds of feet. The light from the hole in the floor eventually disappeared. Eventually he stopped screaming because he had lost his voice. It became very hot, and then from down below, he could see a red glowing of some type. As he drew closer, he tried screaming some more, because he realized where he was headed, but since he had no voice, his face just skewed into various embarrassing expressions.

     Suddenly, the ground met with Andrew’s face, stopping all of the stupid expressions, thankfully. All around him was molten rock and geysers of fire, surrounded by a black void in the far distance. Andrew sat up, rubbing his ridiculous face, when he saw a very familiar sight. Scott was sitting not too far from Andrew, butt naked, because the fire had burnt off his angelic white robe. Scott waved nervously, “Hey, Andrew.”


	3. The Beginning of the End

                At this point, Katherine and Veronica had been rocking out for far too long, shaking the house to its very foundation. All around them, the house had crumbled into nothing but rocks and dust, with random cosplay pieces scattered in the ruins. They were so mind-splittingly awesome, the Devil himself would be inclined to sell his soul to them, to play as well as they could. And this is precisely what he intended to do.

                A muffed, puny, guitar solo wailed from the hole originally made by the Devil’s first entrance, though now it was plugged up by the remains of the destroyed house. As the Devil arose from the rubble, so did the scratchy guitar that sounded as if it were played on an amp made of tin cans, compared to the beautiful, universe harmonizing melodies played by Katherine and Veronica. The Devil stood in a powerful stance waiting for them to stop playing and look at him.

                Several minutes passed without any disruption. The Devil held his stance, repeatedly having to regain his composure due to the continual slouching of his weak body. The melodies they played, the most beautiful ever to exist, rang through the subconscious of all living things, maintaining harmony in the universe, and being so close to the source, the Devil began to feel compassion. Out of submission, not weakness, his stance began to wane. The Devil felt relaxed. Watching the two ladies, sitting on the couch, smiling and playing their music, his heart began to lighten. And just as a smile began to crawl over his face, the Devil snapped out of the peaceful trance. Shaking his head, and putting his hands over his ears, he screamed, “Stop playing!”

                This was the first time they realized that someone else was in the room. The music stopped and they looked around, confused by the destruction of the house. The Devil didn’t know they had stopped playing though, so he continued to scream. Veronica sat the guitar across her lap, and Katherine placed her hands clasped together in hers. They stared at the Devil as he stood and screamed, just waiting for him to stop.

                At last, he did. His eyes opened to see the two women sitting peacefully on the couch. “Oh, sorry,” he said, scratching the back of his neck in embarrassment, “I was wondering if you two had the time to chat.”

                They looked at each other. “About what?” Katherine’s voice was the lightest sound to ever travel along any frequency known and unknown. This shook the Devil to his core. He began convulsing, falling to his knees. And again for several more moments, they watched as the Devil finished his episode.

                On his hands and knees, breathing heavily, barely lifting one arm, he pointed to Veronica. “Never…” his weak voice cracked, “let her speak again.” Veronica looked at Katherine, who was giggling silently to herself. “I’m serious,” the Devil proclaimed. He stood up slowly, bracing his back with his hand. Katherine finished, smiled at Veronica, then looked at the Devil and nodded.

                As Scott and Andrew walked through Hell, Andrew made Scott walk behind him. Scott was naked, and Andrew, shockingly, was not in the mood to see the mountainous terrain that was Scott’s body. Not a word was spoken between them. Several times, Scott tried to initiate conversation, though Andrew simply ignored him. They were making their way to the entrance of Hell, to leave this overheated wasteland. Scott sensed that Andrew partly blamed him for the hole being in the floor, though no matter how many times he tried to explain that the had Devil arrived uninvited, Andrew continued to be silent. This made him suspect that Andrew wasn’t necessarily mad about the hole in the floor, but rather the fact that he wasn’t with Dillon, Camrin and Scott when they were all naked together.

                Along the way, Scott encountered a surprising amount of his relatives, none of which were shocked by the fact that Scott was there. He tried to convince them that he wasn’t dead, that he was just put there by Jesus, and this made them all laugh. They said that means that he is, in fact, dead, and this is where it was decided that he would go. This realization made him feel worse about himself than talking to his grandparents naked. With this misery and anguish, though, came a smile on Andrew’s face.

                For the first time since Andrew fell down the hole, he had a spring in his step. This annoyed Scott to the point where he was actively looking for a spring to literally put in his foot. Though in Hell, springs are scarce due to the pen shortage caused by the signing of many contracts of to acquire human souls. It was just his luck.

                “I kind of like this place!” Andrew shouted, though unintentionally. After not speaking for so long, he forgot how to regulate the volume of his voice. “It has a nice vibe to it.”

                Not knowing what had gotten into Andrew, Scott started to trail behind intentionally, not just because Andrew didn’t want to see Scott’s naked body. And after running into a couple more dead relatives, Scott wondered why literally every single family member who had died, was now in Hell. This didn’t weigh on his mind too long though, because Scott found a bright side to this situation, and not just the right of the walkway which was entirely made up of flames. All of this walking and intense heat was probably gonna burn off some pounds, possibly quite literally.

                Andrew’s mind began to delve deeper into darkness. Not only did he begin talking about how this was turning out to be the vacation of a lifetime, but he actually admitted to being jealous about not being at the naked party. “In Andrew’s defense,” Scott thought to himself, trying to make sense of Andrew’s madness, “that party was rad. Of course it was until the Devil showed up.”

                For the first time in many steps, Andrew stopped. “”You dare speak his name?!” His voice was intentionally booming, and unusually low.

                Scott’s eyes widened and his flabby butt became ever so firm as his cheeks clenched, “Can he hear what I’m thinking?”

                Without moving his feet, Andrew slowly started to turn around, and his hair began to stand straight up. “Of course I can, you simple minded fool.” Standing before Scott was the most vile thing he had ever seen. Andrew stood proudly with a handlebar mustache and gelled, spiked hair, with eyes that glowed in the dark (that part was actually cool). The saddest part was that Andrew twirled his mustache gleefully, laughing in a high pitched, ear piercing laugh. Before Scott knew it, he had hoop earrings, and it was at this moment when out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a crooked, bent spring.

                Camrin was now dead, as he laid on the jail cell bench an inch away from Death. Dillon sat across from Death, “Yeah, so you can bring him back, right?” Blood was still dripping from the hands and feet of Camrin’s lifeless body. Dillon had ripped off his robe, revealing his chiseled self, wrapping his wounds.

                Death, who was dressed in his stereotypical garb, with both hands, leaned on his scythe, “I can, but I have a counter offer.” Death tapped his boney fingers along the wooden handle. “In exchange for this one’s body, I can grant you eternal life.”

                “I don’t know,” Dillon was obviously reluctant.

                Loud footsteps were heard, sounding almost as if the runner is wearing wooden clogs. “I’m here! I’m here!” Jesus ran into the cell door, holding onto the bars, out of breath. “I came as soon as I heard.”

                Dillon was looking at Jesus, quietly admiring his wooden sandals, though adamantly frustrated, “No you didn’t. I called you hours ago.”

                Still trying to catch his breath, Jesus struggled, “I had a thing, and then I had to go get some quick cash. I did something’s I’m not proud of. Wasn’t the first time, and definitely won’t be the last.”

                Death was visibly annoyed by Jesus’ presence. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be accepting undeserving praise?”

                Jesus nodded, “Of course, but I’m here on behalf of these two. Right now, I’m not the guy who just looks good on a cross, I’m Jesus Christ, Attorney at Law.” Jesus stuck his arm through the bars, motioning for Dillon to come to him. He grabbed Dillon’s shirt as he approached. “Take the deal.”

                “What?!” Dillon broke free from Jesus’ grasp, taken aback by his request. “Your Jesus, you’re supposed to save him.”

                Jesus shrugged his shoulders, “Ehhh, not really.” He put his hands on Dillon’s shoulders to reel him back in. “Think about it this way, Camrin will die for my sins. And Dad knows that I’ve sinned, A LOT” Dillon looked back at the limp body that once was Camrin. “And remember,” Jesus was doing a good job of convincing Dillon, “you will have eternal life. You get to life forever, like me. You will have literally all of the time in the world to grow a majestic beard.”

                Without much hesitation, Dillon turned around, his hand outstretched, “Deal.”

                Death rose from the bench and glided across the cell to Dillon to shake his hand. The handshake initiated an instantaneous transformation in Dillon’s being. The human perception of time was erased from Dillon’s psyche, and his soul was uniformed never to leave his body. “How do you feel?” Curiosity filled Death’s voice.

                Unimpressed, Dillon shrugged, “The same. Did it work?”

                “Of course!” Death was annoyed by Dillon’s ignorance.

                Dillon had just realized that Jesus was gone, and when he turned back to Death, he too had disappeared. Camrin however, was still on the bench. With his first step towards Camrin, Dillon heard something strange. He looked down to see that he had on a sweet pair of wooden sandals. Dillon approved whole-heartedly.

                Camrin’s dead body began to glow as his spirit left this realm, shaking it’s head very disapprovingly at Dillon, who felt no remorse. With Camrin gone and an eternal life to lead, Dillon made his way to the cell door. It was locked…

                Many hours had passed, and the Devil had unsuccessfully sold his soul to Veronica and Katherine for their music talents. Evermore irritated, he upped the ante, offering many more perks; a premium vacation spot in Hell, the chance to cast a person of their choice into the bowels of Hell, everything he had to offer them, though they wouldn’t give up their abilities.

                Frustrated, the Devil lunged forward, not attacking, but grabbing the guitar from Veronica’s lap and smashing it into pieces. Pounding away at the guitar, listening to the sad echoes of an instrument in ruins, a single tear fell from Veronica’s eye, followed by many more tears, because that’s what happens when you cry. Katherine tried to comfort Veronica, though nothing could be done. Heaving over a pile of beautiful, splintered wood, the Devil threw the remainder of the neck to the side and looked back at them, just as a fist slammed into his face.

                Disoriented, the Devil stumbled backwards, one hand over the landing zone, the other bracing himself against a wall. He removed his hand to see five more knuckles coming his way. He was too slow to dodge the flurry of fists. There was a blizzard in the destroyed living room, and the eye of the storm was an enraged Veronica. Katherine stood to the side at Veronica’s behest, cheering her on.

Not long after the barrage began, it ended. The Devil was defeated. Veronica stepped to the side and let Katherine decide his ultimate fate.

                Through infinite dimensions, across all universes, passing into the omniverse, the disturbance was felt. In the center of all existence, without the melodies provided by the two chosen to unify all coexisting planes of reality, cracks began to form. Everything was beginning to rip apart.


End file.
